Being a girl Endings Fiction

Maybe less caffeine before bed?

Last night I had trouble falling asleep.  As I lay there listening enviously to the even breathing of a certain other person who could obviously fall asleep just fine, I slowly didn’t know where I was anymore.  I lay on my side facing the outside edge of the bed and realized that the wall in front of me had two closet doors, one open and overflowing, one closed.  The bedroom door further down was closed for privacy.  The fan at the foot of the bed was off (this is the middle of winter after all) but I could sense it there.  I could feel the dusty curtains somewhere behind me over the grated window that led out onto the fire escape, and then I heard (faintly) the 7 train go by outside.  I reached a hand out and touched, not the smooth polished wood of the nightstand I was somehow no longer expecting, but the rough unpolished birch of a $7 Ikea side table.  Covered in piles of books, papers, and dust.  I let my fingers trail up over my head and I stroked the headboard I remember leaving behind.

I kept my eyes closed because I could see so clearly through the bedroom door, down the hallway, into the living room glowing in the light filtered in from streetlamps.  The ugly couches and the TV we paid off for a year were outlines, dusty ones.  If I went to the window the sill would be cold even with the heater blowing warm air from the vent below it.  Out the window the Manhattan skyline glittered: the Empire State Building, its lights already off due to heavy fog; the Chrysler Building, my favorite, sparkling like a Christmas tree; the CitiBank Building a blight as always on the otherwise perfect view.  Inexplicably an older woman would be pushing a cart down 61st Street even though all the stores and laundromats would be closed.  Would it be snowing?  Sometimes I could only tell by looking at the beams from streetlights – and sometimes it was everywhere.

The elevator rumbled innocuously past the 4th floor, delivering home someone who had just disembarked the recent 7 train.  The parquet floor was cold and the rug gritty beneath my bare feet.  If I knocked on Jared’s louvered doors would he answer them, wearing a t-shirt from God of Carnage or [title of show]?

I kept my eyes closed tight, rolled around in the so familiar feel of this bedroom I had lived in for 3 years.  I tried not to move so I wouldn’t disturb this feeling.  I wanted to peek and see if it was true.  Before I looked though, I wondered what was more likely: that the last year had been a dream and it was the beginning of 2009, I was gainfully employed in a job that challenged me and gave me health insurance?  Or that this was an alternate reality where I was in January 2010, but one where we had stayed in New York?  Would anyone else realize this was wrong?  Would Jared be happy or disappointed to have us back?  Would I be happy or disappointed to be there?  Would Drew?

Eventually I fell asleep and when I woke up I was in San Bruno, California, married and fully admitting it was 2010.  It seems silly and a little dramatic to imagine being back in Queens.  Of course I wasn’t back in Queens.  But it was nice to feel it, is all, around me, for just a little while.

"Other people" Being a girl Theatre

I think I got hit on today

Here’s what happened.

On a ten-minute break I went to the kitchen to wash the myriad glasses we use in Sunlight.  Two of the tech guys were in the kitchen (both of whom I’ve tried to talk to in a friendly manner in the past, and who have been hella socially awkward/rude back to me).  One of the tech guys said, “I have a question for you – are you a vegetarian?”  I said I wasn’t and he said, “I like you more because of that.”  Then he said, “What’s your favorite hard liquor?”  I admitted I like tequila.  He said that’s better than vodka.  Is it?  Then he noticed (?) my ring and asked if I was engaged.  I said I was actually married.  Then after a weird pause he told me my ring looked durable, and his friend makes rings out of titanium.  Or something.  I left shortly after that.  The weirdest part was the other guy watching silently the whole time.  He has a huge beard.

I guess what this teaches me is that, those socially awkward tech guys from college may grow up, but they don’t always gain social skillz.


Size matters

I haven’t shopped at Costco very often.  Molly and I would go pick up stuff to sell as concessions for Studio 301 fundraising, but other than that I haven’t spent that much time there.  Drew got a gift card to Costco and so last Friday we picked up Allen Joe (who has a Costco card) and drove over there.

I was expecting to stock up on cartfuls of things (maybe not really) and I was a little taken aback when we reached our spending limit with about 7 things in the cart.  But as Drew pointed out, we didn’t get a big selection of food but we got a lot of food.

That reality hit me tonight when I opened the freezer to get some chicken nuggets and was faced with bodybags of food:

7 pounds of corn dogs
60 potstickers (the soda can is for scale)
and a sleeping bag full of Mickey Mouse chicken nuggets

But don’t they look delicious?

Sentiment Theatre


For Christmas we went to Lakeport (we drove up on Christmas Eve really late) and spent the first Christmas ever with my parents.  My mom made cinnamon rolls and we ate candy all day.  Then we went to see Sherlock Holmes, but it was basically sold out (Lakeport Cinema 5 what??) but we saw Brittany and her HUSBAND and her dad and her brother.  That was weird.  Then we bought tickets for a later performance and came home and ate more candy.  When we went back to the theatre we got really good seats, and then sat around…and then saw Jacob and his entire family, and Ian Fuller and his dad, and the Andres.

I used to get so annoyed whenever I was in Lakeport and had to go out in public anywhere…because EVERY time you go out, to the store, to the gas station, wherever, you WILL run into someone you know.  But this time it was fun.  And the last time I was there, I hung out with Kirsten and her mom and her brother, and then I went to Alyssa’s house and hung out with her and met her husband…Lakeport is super fun when there are people to hang out with.  So this explains why Drew used to like to come home to Pacifica from Davis – because he could hang out with people.

Then Jacob texted me in the movie and told me to come over to his house and hang out with him and Ted and Ian, but I declined because of my family Christmas time.  Finding balance.


This is the show I’m working on right now at Marin Theatre Company (  It’s a world premiere and the show is GREAT.  I love the script, I think it’s so well-crafted, and relevant to today’s world.

I am a production assistant (basically a combination of ASM and wardrobe) and yesterday I got told I am “great at being on book.”  That might not sound like a great compliment, but it sort of made my day.  I’m going to be with MTC for the rest of their season so I’m getting really invested in it.  So far I really like all the people, and it’s been a really fun couple weeks in rehearsal.  (And payday is tomorrow, thank God.)

Everyone should come see this show.

Family Fashion Memoir

The danger of scarves

The room we rehearse in is always freezing (except when all the actors leave the room and Liz the SM and I turn the heat up and sit under the vents).  I’ve been wearing more and more layers every day; I’m two steps away from bringing a blanket or buying a Snuggie.  The last couple days I’ve even resorted to wearing scarves, which I thought I would never need in California.  Today I had wrapped my scarf around my neck twice when I recognized a familiar sense of anxiety…

…which I then placed as coming from the fear that, when I wrapped my scarf fully around my neck, someone could come up behind me, pull on the end, and break my neck, or strangle me, or otherwise cause me harm.  Where did this fear come from?  I thought of Isadora Duncan and her untimely scarf demise, but this feels like a deeper fear, something that would have had to be instilled in me at a very young age.

Of course, it must have been my mother.

Here are some other things I’ve recently realized I still (sort of) believe in, leftover from my childhood, even though my brain tells me it’s stupid:

-Premade chocolate milk: made from the milk that comes out bloody from the cows
-Don’t sit directly in front of the TV: the radiation comes out and then down (I guess I know where my brother and I used to sit)
-Reading in the dark ruins your eyes

What did you get told that you still believe?


Happy New Year! Welcome to The Ten.

I’ve been hearing a lot of people refer to 2009 negatively…most recently – and colorfully – this afternoon when someone said “It’s the last day of the year, I’d just like to say F*** YOU 2009!”

But I thought 2009 was a pretty good year.  I just wanted to point that out.  Parts were stressful and as a country we didn’t have a great year, but personally?  My 2009 was pretty rockin.  FYI.

Beginnings Drew Endings Nonfiction Sentiment


A year ago, I made a list of 100 things to accomplish in 2009.  Some things were kind of a stretch and I could have guessed wouldn’t happen:

-visit Madame Tussaud’s
-see a Cirque du Soleil show
-buy a Macbook (and pay it off)

Some things were relatively minor and should have happened but never did:

-read in a bath
-buy a lottery ticket 5 times
-stay up all night

Some things were too general, not easily quantified, and I learned a lesson about that:

-stop saying Oh my God
-drink 32 oz of water a day (I know, I know, but it’s harder than you’d think to do something EVERY SINGLE DAY)

Some things I didn’t do before we left New York:

-Top of the Rock
-Tryon Park with Erin

But I checked 59 of the 100 things off of the list, including:

-Move back to California…by driving
-Watch a sunrise
-Send Valentines to my family
-Read the classics I own and haven’t read yet (Wuthering Heights, Mrs. Dalloway, Tess of the D’Urbervilles, etc.)
-Stage manage another NYC show (2 this year)
-Go on rollercoasters (Six Flags New Jersey)
-Take the CBEST (and pass it!)
-Go gambling (and win!)

I also had some experiences this last year that I didn’t put on my list, but consider noteworthy:

-Get engaged
-Run around the reservoir in Central Park
-Walk across the Brooklyn Bridge
-Get married
-Get a pedicure (my first, and then second)

Good times, 2009.  I knew it was going to be an exciting year.  I look forward to a happy and calm 2010, filled with paying off debts and enjoying California!

Beginnings Memoir Sentiment

A new year, a new decade, a new domain.

So it’s not quite 2010, but I wanted to take this for a test drive before I officially made the switch.  My goal here is to be able to document myself now, without thinking about those pesky archives from when I was 20 years old.  It’d also be great if this was interesting to other people and not just myself.

Hopefully WordPress will end up being a better resource for me than LiveJournal is now…although we had our years together, didn’t we, LJ?