I see a lot of…inspirational stories in my Facebook newsfeed. Lots of mommy-positive things, or lady-positive things, or just human-positive things. Honestly it’s a nice reprieve from the political stuff, which for a while was really taking over. But if I had my druthers, I’d like to see more amusing status updates from my funny friends, and lists of witty photoshopped images.
Anyway. I recently read this article called “7 Things Your Husband Hates About You (Yes, Really)” and what a juicy title, so I clicked on it. Of course they’re all things like “Every time you call yourself fat” and “How much pressure you put on yourself.” Listen, he may hate those things but really this is just a long-form way of explaining how great the writer is and why we should just be confident about ourselves.
…Not that that’s a bad thing.
BUT, I wanted to put together a more honest list of things that your (or my) husband might hate about you (or me). It took some wheedling to convince him to be honest, but I think I got some pretty good answers here.
5 Things I Got My Husband to Admit He Hates About Me
Wait, are you sure about this? You’re SURE? Okay.
1. I hate that you eat raw eggs in bed.
You keep getting albumen on the sheets. I know you want a high-protein midnight snack, but could you please just have it in the kitchen? Or at least use a coffee cup or something? You know, peanut butter crackers have a lot of protein too, and then I’d just have to deal with crumbs.
2. I hate your Snagglepuss tattoo.
I know everyone does stupid things when they’re young, but I don’t know if 31 can rightly be considered “young.” It’s a weird tattoo, and is he flipping us off? And why are you so excited about it? I just don’t get it. I know you like to tell people you got it “in prison” but honestly, I just wish you would get it removed.
3. I hate that whenever we have a fight, you start filming it on your phone in case it “goes viral.”
I don’t think you actually know what “go viral” means, and it’s really disconcerting to have a phone in my face when I’m trying to argue a point. Some things are sacred, and so should the fights between a husband and wife be. I’m not going to punch a wall or fall on my face or do anything that is worth putting online or sending to America’s Funniest Home Videos. And yes, I know it’s called AFV now. No, I don’t want to fight about it. NO PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN.
4. I hate that you think DIYing things is a good idea.
I hate that you saw something on Pinterest, spent $200 on supplies, and DIYed us “matching” pillows with slightly off Disney princesses on them. It is way creepy to lay me down to sleep on this every night. But you won’t give me my regular rectangular pillow back. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in 6 months, because I keep waking up with my face pressed to this.
5. Finally, I hate that even though we both have iPhones, you still insist on printing out step-by-step directions from MapQuest if we’re going somewhere unfamiliar.
You know that’s just a waste of paper, right? And makes no sense, given the way technology has grown by leaps and bounds? You know no one liked MapQuest even when it was the only option, right? Oh no, but please, print out four pages of directions, the first page of which is just how to get out of our neighborhood. That’s helpful. Okay, let’s get out of here. Which way out the front door, again?
Thanks, honey. Love you too!