This weekend, Drew had to wrap a large box, which contained Jocelyn’s wedding shower present. You’d think it would have been a pretty simple procedure. You’d be wrong.
Step 1: Go to Target to buy wrapping paper.
Drew: “Which one do you like?”
Syche: “I like this purple one, it goes with her wedding colors.”
Drew: *selects the yellow and white patterned paper*
Step 2: While at Target, look for ribbon.
Syche: “What about this blue and purple bow?”
Drew: *selects plain black ribbon*
Step 3: Later that day, start wrapping.
Drew: “I’m nervous because the box is so heavy, you know how when you set it down the corner of the box can tear the paper.”
Drew: *oh-so-gently sets down box on paper*
Drew: “I tore it.”
Step 4: Wrap box. Discover the paper leaves a gap at one end of the box.
Step 5: Decide to wrap box twice.
Step 6: Run out of wrapping paper.
Step 7: Set box against wall until tomorrow, when you can go back to Target and obtain more paper.
Drew: “What the– it’s see-through!”
Step 8: Decide you definitely have to double-wrap.
Step 9: Go to Target at 8am on a Sunday, because that’s just what time you’re up these days. Take the baby so he can help you. Let your wife stay in bed. Bring her a latte, because you’re the best!
Step 10: Wrap box a second time. When you’re almost done, run out of Scotch tape.
Step 10.5: Consider other types of tape (gaff tape, spike tape, duct tape, even glo tape). Go steal Scotch tape from your parents’ house. Because 3 trips to Target to wrap one present is too many.
Step 11: Realize ribbon can only go around box once, not twice. YouTube videos of how to prettily wrap ribbon one time around a box. Realize you just…wrap the ribbon around the box, and tie a bow.
Step 12: Spend 10 minutes doing so.
Step 13: That afternoon, check three times that you remembered to put the box in the car for the drive to Stockton. Because forgetting it after all that would just be too much.
Step 14: Drive to Stockton. Not too much traffic. Baby sleeps the whole way. Put on the Into the Woods soundtrack and sing along enthusiastically. Do all the voices. Have a great time at the shower. Watch your friend lose her freaking mind from excitement when she opens the box. There may be happy tears. Afterwards, let the baby sleep the whole way home while you sing along to Wicked. Get home, eat cookies, call it a great day, and go to bed.